Impact Statement, part I

When we met, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was happy just spending time with my children, working and being with friends. On our first date, you said you didn’t want to be hurt. You didn’t mention that you are the one who does the hurting.

In how many ways have you hurt me? The mental, emotional, and financial costs have been severe.  I have

been afraid to walk to my mailbox. I have been afraid you are going to come after me and finish the job of killing me. I drive to my mailbox so that you can’t grab me as I walk to get my mail. I tried a few times to walk through the neighborhood, but my anxiety has been so great; my heart starts to race, my breathing is rapid, every noise has me spooked. When my daughter is in town, I’m only able to walk when I have her dog with me or I can walk with a friend.  I look for cars following me.

I cried myself to sleep every night for months. I cried at work, I cried driving in my car. I cried and cried. I thought I would never stop.

I couldn’t eat. I would force myself to eat. I still do not eat breakfast, I wake up with anxiety. I fall asleep with anxiety. For four months, I took two sleeping pills just to get myself to sleep, and even then, I could not stay asleep. I would get by on 3 hours of sleep a night.

Fear, terror, sadness, shame, have been my friends.

The day after the strangulation, I was crying and asked you to look at the bruises. You just turned away and said, ‘It’s not 100% my fault.’ I couldn’t believe you said that. I asked you back, ‘then whose fault is it?’ You didn’t respond. I tried talking to you all that day and the next morning. I so wanted to see any remorse in your demeanor or words. I saw none. You would take no responsibility for your behavior. I was so afraid of you. I knew you would do it again, I knew you would harm me, even kill me the next chance you got. You didn’t care that my daughter and your daughter were in the home at the time. You didn’t care that I was harmed. You didn’t care about me.

What about the escalation of your behavior leading up to the strangulation? The month before you began the false accusations of infidelity. I asked you to stop, when I walked away from you, you chased me through the house; you broke through 3 doors when I tried to get away from you. You grabbed me and held me against my will. You didn’t care that my daughter was home and could have been a witness to this.

Or how about the next incident that your daughter was a witness to? When I told you I couldn’t take your false accusations anymore and I needed a temporary break; I went to get in my car and you grabbed me and held me. You jumped into my open window of my car and was grabbing at my keys to prevent me from leaving. Your daughter was yelling and you didn’t care that she was witnessing you doing this to me.

What about the time you were driving drunk and I was in the car and you became angry at a car for cutting you off and you literally drove them off the road? I was so afraid. I tried talking with you about that. You insisted that you had a right to do that because they were wrong. I tried explaining to you that being upset did not give you the right to road rage at others.

How about a week later, when again you were drunk and you hit another car… you and he got into a car chase at 110 miles an hour all the way to Caldwell. The police showed up to our home that night. My daughter opened the door. Again, you blamed the other driver and took no responsibility for your actions.  Do you know how scared I had become of you; of your drinking and drug use? I reached out to a counseling service and begged you to go with me. You refused to attend with me.

I began to ask others for help and support. I talked with Mark at SpurWing, I talked with the bartender at Brewforia, I talked with Kara. I talked with you, but you only blamed everyone else.

Where do I start with the financial costs incurred due to your abuse?

The day I told you that I had filed the police report; you said you'd ruin me financially. Well, you are trying your best to do just that.

end of part I
*Names changed