Impact Statement, part II

James, you said you would pay me back for your moving expenses that I put on my credit card and your half of the blinds for the house you and I own together, but no such payment happened. The day you were released on bail, you began sabotaging me financially. You cancelled my car insurance and tried to cancel the home insurance (the mortgage company refused to let you, thank god). You called the cable company and more than doubled the bill by adding on all the conveniences and services possible.

Without my knowledge or consent, you gave away many of my possession in the process of the move, that I now need to replace.

I have incurred legal fees to attempt to get the home we own together for sale and get you to pay the mortgage that you have refused to assist in paying since you were arrested. In all, I have accrued costs of over $8,722.03 plus interest on my credit cards, and if I lose my home in foreclosure due to not assisting in paying the mortgage, the costs will be over $48,722.03.

I have already taken a hit on my credit report; because 3 late payments on the mortgage have been reported to the credit bureaus.  I had to borrow $1,000 to cover November’s and December’s mortgage payments.

I started in counseling sessions immediately after the strangulation and thought they would be enough, but the trauma has been so significant, I have recently returned and am currently in therapy to deal with the continued trauma. I attended the victim awareness classes the prosecutor’s office offers and became aware of the emotional abuse you inflicted on me through your false accusations of infidelity as well as accusing me of being a bad mother to your daughter. I’m not a bad mother to your daughter; how can I be—I’m not her mother at all, she has a mother who protects her, loves her, cares for her.   You accusations were only meant to make me doubt myself, to hurt me, to question my capabilities.

I have missed over 5 days of work due to the trauma. I cry at work, I have to have someone else cover for me at work so I can compose myself and return to work. My family has had to listen to me cry myself to sleep at night, they have had to listen to my anger, my fear, my pain.

My friends have been very supportive, but they have also had to listen to my endless tears, my fears, my concerns for the future as I worry about being homeless if I lose the house. Where are me and my daughter going to go? Where will be stay? My friends have felt hopeless as they have no answers.

Your addictions have been your friends your entire adult life. You have been addicted to alcohol, to pot, to road rage, to drama. Do you know how to live without addictions? Can you?

I believed you when you said you loved me. I believed you when you said you wanted to marry me. I believed you when you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. I believed you when you said you wanted to buy a home with me, wanted to never move again, wanted to be happy with me. I believed you. I believed you when you strangled me…I believed you wanted to kill me.

*Names changed

Impact Statement, part I

When we met, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was happy just spending time with my children, working and being with friends. On our first date, you said you didn’t want to be hurt. You didn’t mention that you are the one who does the hurting.

In how many ways have you hurt me? The mental, emotional, and financial costs have been severe.  I have

been afraid to walk to my mailbox. I have been afraid you are going to come after me and finish the job of killing me. I drive to my mailbox so that you can’t grab me as I walk to get my mail. I tried a few times to walk through the neighborhood, but my anxiety has been so great; my heart starts to race, my breathing is rapid, every noise has me spooked. When my daughter is in town, I’m only able to walk when I have her dog with me or I can walk with a friend.  I look for cars following me.

I cried myself to sleep every night for months. I cried at work, I cried driving in my car. I cried and cried. I thought I would never stop.

I couldn’t eat. I would force myself to eat. I still do not eat breakfast, I wake up with anxiety. I fall asleep with anxiety. For four months, I took two sleeping pills just to get myself to sleep, and even then, I could not stay asleep. I would get by on 3 hours of sleep a night.

Fear, terror, sadness, shame, have been my friends.

The day after the strangulation, I was crying and asked you to look at the bruises. You just turned away and said, ‘It’s not 100% my fault.’ I couldn’t believe you said that. I asked you back, ‘then whose fault is it?’ You didn’t respond. I tried talking to you all that day and the next morning. I so wanted to see any remorse in your demeanor or words. I saw none. You would take no responsibility for your behavior. I was so afraid of you. I knew you would do it again, I knew you would harm me, even kill me the next chance you got. You didn’t care that my daughter and your daughter were in the home at the time. You didn’t care that I was harmed. You didn’t care about me.

What about the escalation of your behavior leading up to the strangulation? The month before you began the false accusations of infidelity. I asked you to stop, when I walked away from you, you chased me through the house; you broke through 3 doors when I tried to get away from you. You grabbed me and held me against my will. You didn’t care that my daughter was home and could have been a witness to this.

Or how about the next incident that your daughter was a witness to? When I told you I couldn’t take your false accusations anymore and I needed a temporary break; I went to get in my car and you grabbed me and held me. You jumped into my open window of my car and was grabbing at my keys to prevent me from leaving. Your daughter was yelling and you didn’t care that she was witnessing you doing this to me.

What about the time you were driving drunk and I was in the car and you became angry at a car for cutting you off and you literally drove them off the road? I was so afraid. I tried talking with you about that. You insisted that you had a right to do that because they were wrong. I tried explaining to you that being upset did not give you the right to road rage at others.

How about a week later, when again you were drunk and you hit another car… you and he got into a car chase at 110 miles an hour all the way to Caldwell. The police showed up to our home that night. My daughter opened the door. Again, you blamed the other driver and took no responsibility for your actions.  Do you know how scared I had become of you; of your drinking and drug use? I reached out to a counseling service and begged you to go with me. You refused to attend with me.

I began to ask others for help and support. I talked with Mark at SpurWing, I talked with the bartender at Brewforia, I talked with Kara. I talked with you, but you only blamed everyone else.

Where do I start with the financial costs incurred due to your abuse?

The day I told you that I had filed the police report; you said you'd ruin me financially. Well, you are trying your best to do just that.

end of part I
*Names changed

Domestic Violence Impact Statement

I am the victim of domestic violence. At the sentencing hearing, I was not given a voice. I was informed that the judge would read my victim impact statement out loud to my abuser. He did not do this. He robbed me of the opportunity of letting the perpetrator hear the impact he had on me. I want all victims everywhere to have a voice.

I am placing my impact statement here, so that I will have a voice, and one day, my perpetrator will hear the impact he had on me. I want all victims of domestic abuse to write me their impact statements and I will publish them. No last names, please.
send submissions to: kay.too30@yahoo.com